


i know i'm not the only one

by ToxicPineapple



Series: platonic oumeno drabbles [5]
Category: New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Conversations, Depression, Friendship, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Introspection, Late Night Conversations, Platonic Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-10
Updated: 2019-12-10
Packaged: 2021-02-25 23:09:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,326
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21743524
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ToxicPineapple/pseuds/ToxicPineapple
Summary: when kokichi laughs, it's a bitter sound, and himiko scoots over to lean her body into his. he sighs, but his arm slides around her shoulders, and she feels his cheek pressing against the crown of her head. "this is dumb. i hate talking about my feelings.""wanna talk about something else?""no."---himiko wonders if she truly would be the only one who would miss kokichi if he died.
Relationships: Oma Kokichi & Yumeno Himiko
Series: platonic oumeno drabbles [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1567168
Comments: 10
Kudos: 70





	i know i'm not the only one

**Author's Note:**

> you say i'm crazy
> 
> 'cause you don't think i know what you've done
> 
> but when you call me baby
> 
> i know i'm not the only one
> 
> -sam smith, "i'm not the only one"

"if i died, would you miss me?"

himiko draws a tiny heart in the dirt with the stick as she processes kokichi's question. "yeah." she says eventually, and looks up at him. "i think you're pretty easy to miss."

he doesn't meet her gaze, which is pretty in character for him whenever he says something vulnerable. himiko bites the inside of her cheek. it's possible that he's not going to elaborate, and she'll either have to ask a follow up question (which she is not going to do) or sit here in silence for the rest of the evening, wondering why he asked to begin with.

she hopes he does, though. usually when she walks outside and finds him already sitting in the courtyard they have some of their best conversations. kokichi is more genuine with her most times. (that's a benefit of being his best friend, she supposes.) but it's only really during the night, when no one is around and the world is quiet enough that all they can hear is futility, that he's one hundred percent honest.

eventually, he says, "i think you might be the only one."

tackling the question of whether or not their classmates are actually the kind of people to miss kokichi out of fondness rather than guilt feels like an emotional hurdle that himiko is too tired to leap at this particular moment in time, so instead she asks, "what about dice?"

"they'd move on." he sounds really tired, which is normal, in a way. he sounds tired most times, he's just good at hiding it. (not from himiko though, not anymore.) "they're used to losing people. and they've got on fine without me in the past."

"the question isn't whether they'd survive." himiko points out. "it's whether they'd miss you. and the answer is yeah." she doesn't like beating around the bush. it's exhausting. even in the moments where she might need to be a little more tactful, she can't help being really blunt. at least she knows that kokichi doesn't mind.

"you're right." and he means it, himiko thinks, but he also sounds annoyed. annoyed enough at least not to say anything else.

which means that she has to keep the conversation going. "do you want to be missed?"

"who doesn't? you want to be missed, don't you?" kokichi must know that he's doing nothing more than repeating back to himiko something she said in the midst of a depressive episode. _maybe the only reason i wanna die is so that someone will miss me._ she doesn't call him out on it though, because she's always the most honest when she's depressive.

"duh." she chews her cuticle. "i only asked because it sounds like you don't want to be missed. because if people are going to be hurt by your death, then you won't be okay going through with it. the price of being fundamentally a good person."

kokichi scoffs. "i think anyone in our class would tell you that that's not the case."

"i'm not anyone in our class." himiko presses her lips together and watches as amethyst eyes slide over to her. "and i know you."

"when'd that happen?" when kokichi laughs, it's a bitter sound, and himiko scoots over to lean her body into his. he sighs, but his arm slides around her shoulders, and she feels his cheek pressing against the crown of her head. "this is dumb. i hate talking about my feelings."

"wanna talk about something else?"

"no."

and so they sit in silence instead. himiko wishes for a moment that hope's peak wasn't in the middle of tokyo, that it was somewhere in the mountains, far away from civilisation, where all the buildings and lights are too weak to reach and the sky is filled with twinkling stars. the mass of grey fog overhead is hardly company so much as it is a reminder of the harsh realities of the world they live in.

there's something awfully lonely beyond the oppressiveness of being trapped within a cage of their own artificial lights. himiko knows because she's not an idiot that the stars _are_ up there, and she just can't see them. but they're still undeniably separate from her. they're existing in a space that she will never be able to comprehend. whatever glimpses she does get of them, they'll only ever be just that; glimpses. she's never going to know how it feels to be a star. and that's kind of sad, in a way.

it makes it somewhat understandable, kaito's desperation to get to space before he dies.

"maybe if i stopped lying, everyone would hate me less." kokichi murmurs, and himiko curls her arm around his middle so that she can squeeze him tight, because he doesn't sound tearful but she knows he wouldn't say it unless he was upset.

"you're a pain." himiko returns. "you lie and tease constantly. it's hard to follow you because your brain moves so fast that you can just jump from lie to lie without any warning." she exhales. "but acting in any other way would be even more dishonest than the lying. you shouldn't force yourself to be someone you're not, just because dumb people are too lazy to try looking past the front you put up."

she isn't being fair to her classmates. kaede is always trying to make friends with kokichi, and she's not entirely unconvinced shuichi isn't in love with him. kiibo and gonta are always so patient with him and the way kokichi and miu talk, it's clear that they have a bond with each other it would be impossible for them to forge with anyone else.

but it's so easy to scorn all of them at this time of day, so easy to cast away their good intentions and replace it all with spite at the fact that they make kokichi feel like he has to change himself to be accepted. it's easy to close her eyes to the kind, allowing smiles and think about the exasperated sighs, the inadvertently cruel words, the exclusion disguised as "taking a rest".

she loves her friends, all of them, and yet it's so easy to forget that when she's seeing this side of kokichi. it's so easy to just say _fuck them all_ because their actions, however well meaning, have hurt her best friend.

"would it make you happy if you changed yourself and everyone accepted you? i think that would just make me sad. if what it took for everyone to like me was being someone who i'm not."

she feels kokichi's hum vibrating in his chest. he rarely uses such a low voice when he's fully awake, but they're both tired. they'll be asleep soon enough. "it wouldn't make me happy. but it would be nice to feel like a member of that class for once, and not the enemy."

and she just, she could never blame him for thinking of it like that, could never attempt to contradict, because that's how they treat him. always with the _kokichi is at it again_ and _what did he do this time_ and _i don't trust you,_ never taking a moment to think about what he's actually saying, never listening when he's being serious, like really serious. never looking for the deeper meanings in his actions.

"i wish you missing me could be enough to convince me that my life is worth living." kokichi's voice is quiet. "you're probably the only one of them who i should care about."

"no." himiko shakes her head. "it's... normal. i think. to care about all of them." she bites her lip. "i wish i could tell you how important your life is to me."

after a moment, kokichi chuckles, and it's a dry chuckle, but she can tell that he isn't mocking her, because he wouldn't. not right now. "you don't have to. i know."

and that's the truth, she supposes.

**Author's Note:**

> the song that the title is from has nothing to do with the piece i'm just in a sam smith mood at all times y'hear
> 
> ahem
> 
> y'all know the drill. we feelin introspective again so we gotta uhhhh angst on/project on ouma about our feelings of Insignificance
> 
> in other news i haven't posted in a while! i know!!! the next chapter of the best lies is in the works but the reason i haven't posted any oneshots recently is because i've been busy writing for secret santa exchanges and collaborations and also the update for search (which is... extremely long) ;3 sorry for the lack of food y'all
> 
> if you wanna talk to me my tumblr is @toxicisnotapineapple i'm literally online all the time shoot me a dm or something i'm so lonely
> 
> vibin. platonic yumeno (or just yumeno you know how it be) is my shit.


End file.
